Pig Excitement

There's a rumour abroad that the Ormsaigbeg pigs are to become television personalities. Following their wide publicity on the internet through The Diary, and their featuring in a full-page spread in that top agricultural magazine The Scottish Farmer, the pigs are moving into live media.

At about the same time the pigs are being relocated, sadly not out of Ormsaigbeg but to an adjacent site so the TV cameras can show land in a BP - 'before pigs' - and an AP - 'after pigs' - condition.

Naturally, the pigs are very excited about this TV development, but they've stumbled across a major impediment: their owners never gave them names.

The pigs simply cannot understand why everyone else has names and they don't - it's difficult to explain that the reasoning behind the decision relates to an aversion amongst their owners to sitting down to a meal of "roast Harry" or "William crackling". But the point the pigs are making is that they can't hope to become celebrities without a name. "---" and "---" isn't quite the same as "Ant" and "Dec".

If The Diary were a tabloid publication like The Sun or The Star, it would at this point be offering its readers large cash prizes for suitable names for the pigs, names that would enhance the celebrity/personality cult that is certain to grow up around them as the British population takes them to their hearts. What about "Hannibal Pig" for this one?

To make matters worse, the pigs are very excited because they've somehow discovered that Hughie MacLachlan is in advanced discussion with a certain farmer about getting some more pigs. The pigs are so looking forward to meeting new friends, something which, sadly, they won't be, as they have a terminal appointment elsewhere before the new ones arrive. Mind you, Hughie won't be taking the pigs anywhere unless his driving improves.